Tending to Grief During the Holidays

The holidays arrive each year with a familiar rhythm: the neighborhood lights go up, local radio stations start playing festive, occasionally grating, carols, and calendars gradually fill with intimate gatherings and celebrations planned between loved ones. Across many traditions—from Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, to the Winter Solstice, and New Year—the holiday season carries with it an air of warmth and positivity, as well as an invitation to slow down, reflect, and connect with who and what matters most.

And yet, for those grieving, these weeks might feel impossibly heavy and overwhelming—as the sounds and imagery, once comforting and cheerful, now echo with a feeling of absence and being out of place with the order of things—of being out of step with the outside world.

Whether mourning the death of a loved one, navigating family estrangement, infertility, job loss, a serious illness, or grieving something broader and more collective—like the devastation of climate change, war, and oppression—the holidays this year may magnify, more than most, all that feels deeply painful and “not right” within ourselves, families, and communities.

Grief in a Culture That Struggles to Hold It

Here in the west, individualism and capitalism deeply shape how we encounter loss. We’re told to “stay positive,” “move on,” and “keep it together.” The holidays intensify this pressure, layered with consumerism—Black Friday sales, gift-giving, and curated cheer. Both messages centered on spending money and celebration, respectively, can feel isolating and alienating.

Many cultures and faith traditions have longstanding rituals to help contain and support grief—periods of mourning, communal meals, storytelling, shared prayers, memorials. These structures offer meaning, a pathway to connection, and social acknowledgment. In contrast, contemporary life under capitalism often leaves mourners to navigate privately. Without ritual or communal scaffolding, it can be easy to feel adrift and unsure of how, if at all, to express grief and sorrow in an environment which prizes composure and self-control.

The reality of grief, however, is that it does not, and cannot, conform to social timelines or rigid cultural expectations. Even the famously influential Stages of Grief model, conceptualized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, has been re-imagined revisioned over time—understanding grief not as a linear or discrete progression, but as an ongoing, fluid, and often non-linear process.

Grief asks for time, presence, and compassionate witnessing—priceless and invaluable “commodities” so often short in supply. When society fails to make room for grief, we may be quick to internalize the problem: I should be better by now. I should go out. If not, what will others think? If this sounds like you, hear this: grief is not a failure of resilience, but a profound signifier of your humanity, love, and care.

Permission, Flexibility, and Care

If you are grieving this season, let permission be your compass—permission to say no, to say yes, to show up late or leave early, to cry, to laugh, and to not know what you need until the moment presents itself.

Flexibility is a sign of health: the ability to adjust and respond to your needs and environment with compassion, rather than rigidity. Some years, decorating or joining a gathering may bring comfort; other years, simply lighting a candle might feel like enough. As grief shifts in shape, so must our capacity to care for ourselves and one another in ways that feel authentic, meaningful, and supportive.

Caring for Yourself

Grief asks that you move slowly and listen closely to what you need. In a season that often calls for doing, producing, and performing, the work of grief is often the opposite—a quiet tending to what’s present.

Find meaning through ritual. Rituals help give shape to what feels formless. Light a candle, prepare a meal, create an altar, or write a letter to your loved one—small gestures that help the invisible take form. For those grieving less tangible losses—a life chapter, identity, or felt sense of safety—ritual might mean pausing to honor what was and what still lives within you.

Create room for feeling. Grief can arrive as waves or silence. Let yourself weep, rage, or rest. Set aside moments for stillness—time to walk, breathe, or journal—without needing to make sense of anything. Trust that what surfaces is part of the natural movement of mourning.

Honor your limits. You may notice less energy for socializing or celebrating. Say no where you need to. Simplify traditions, cancel plans, or make new ones that better reflect what feels possible. Explore what feels authentic and sincere. Responding to your needs and environment, rather than forcing yourself to meet external demands—such as rigid cultural expectations or family obligations—is not only an act of self-care, but a sign of tremendous inner strength and capacity.

Staying Connected

Even in the solitude of grief, connection remains essential—to others, to memory, to something larger than yourself.

Communicate what you need. Let trusted people know what would feel supportive—whether that’s space, company, or help with practical matters. It’s okay to ask for less conversation or to change plans at the last minute. Honest communication gives others a chance to show up for you in ways that are meaningful.

Redefine togetherness. Holidays often emphasize celebration and cheer, but connection can take quieter forms: sharing stories, listening to music, visiting a meaningful place, or simply sitting in silence with someone who understands.

Invite meaning into relationship. You might honor your loved one with others: cooking their favorite dish, sharing memories, or creating a new tradition in their name. If your grief is private or unseen, consider ways to include symbolic gestures—a moment of reflection, an empty seat at the table, a few words of gratitude or remembrance.

These gestures, however small, can help us to integrate grief in all its fullness and complexity as it bubbles up, spills over, and stretches the fabric of daily life this winter—acknowledging in name, presence, and practice that both love and connection continue, no matter the loss.

Grief and Joy Can Coexist

The holidays are often portrayed as uncomplicatedly joyful. Yet for many, they bring into focus the fragility of life and the ache of love unmoored in the face of death, separation, and distance. You don’t need to force yourself into joy, nor retreat completely from it. Grief and celebration can, and do in fact, coexist.

What would it look like, feel like, make possible—were you to let the holidays hold both grief and tenderness—the weight of what’s missing, or altered, and the joy of connection to what remains?

If this season feels heavy, take with you this gentle reminder and open invitation: Grief is not a problem to be “fixed” or “solved,” but a deeply human truth and experience deserving of the utmost care and tending to. May you grant yourself the permission to move at the speed of safety within you, and within your environment, to rest when needed, connect with others when it feels right, and to allow your grief the respite of belonging—not as an interruption to the holidays, but a reminder of all that is meaningful and irrevocably sacred.

Seeking Support

If you're finding that grief feels overwhelming or unmanageable, please know that support is available. Speaking with a mental health professional at Big Life Change Therapy who specializes in grief and bereavement can provide a safe space to process your loss. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 for anyone experiencing emotional distress or crisis—call or text 988 to connect with a trained and confidential counselor.

Resources

• Grief.com: Resources and Articles

• What’s Your Grief: 64 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays

• The Dougy Center: Grief Resources for Adults and Families

• The Dougy Center: Holidays & Grief

• NAMI Helpline for Mental Health Support

Memoirs & Literature

• The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

• It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine

• Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler

• Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

• Conscious Grieving by Claire Bidwell Smith

References

1. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

2. Grief.com. "Grief & The Holidays." https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

3. What's Your Grief. "64 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays." https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-tips-grief-at-the-holidays/

4. Center for Loss and Life Transition. "Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season." https://www.centerforloss.com/2023/12/helping-heal-holiday-season/

5. The Dougy Center. "Holidays & Grief." https://www.dougy.org/articles/holidays-grief

6. National Institute of Mental Health. Resources on grief and bereavement. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/

7. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. https://988lifeline.org/

Erin McQueen, AMFT is a dedicated therapist and grief specialist. You can read more about her here and reach her at Erin@biglifechangetherapy.com.