How to Protect Your Relationship During Parenthood (or Any Major Life Transition)

Note: While this article focuses on the perinatal period, these principles apply to many relational constellations navigating stress or transition, including intergenerational caregiving and other major life changes. It’s also worth noting that research is severely lacking outside cisgender heterosexual couples. The information below could apply to people of all genders, abilities, identities, and relationship structures. Take what fits, amend for your relationship if needed, and leave the rest.

Ok, you’ve done enough of the things you’re “supposed” to do. The registry is ready. The meal train is organized. You’ve read the books, hired the doula, maybe even set up the pelvic floor PT and lactation consults. On paper, you’re prepared. Well done! (If this is not you, you’re still growing a human or supporting someone who is and that’s a lot on its own.) All of this is great! But you still have a lingering feeling that you’ve forgotten something. And then, as you savor a cuddle with your partner you realize, What’s going to happen to us? Who am I going to become once I become a parent?

As a therapist for couples (especially parents) and perinatal people, a theme that comes up over and over again is this: becoming parents changes both your external daily life and your internal connection to yourself and others, and most have no idea how to prepare for it. The reality? Some couples feel closer during this time, but many feel more distant. That distance is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your relationship—it’s a sign that you are under strain and that there is room to grow. The first year with a child can be one of the most challenging times for a partnership. Unfortunately, there is currently no cheat code for staying emotionally close to your partner while your lives, bodies, identities, and nervous systems are all being rewired at once. In fact, the turbulence, when acted upon with curiosity and compassion, can actually make your relationship more resilient! The good news is there are tools and strategies to practice bolstering for the storms of parenting so you do come out stronger on the other side. This post is written to help you have a solid start. Together.

1. You’re Not Doing It Wrong—This Is Just Hard

Ok, so there are some great tricks and hacks out there, so check those out! However, even when you are both trying your best and using the hacks, there are simply not enough resources—sleep, time, emotional bandwidth—to meet every need perfectly. Stress after a baby isn’t about lack of love, it’s about capacity. Meaning, it’s not personal or a sign of there being a problem necessarily, but about limitations.

Sleep deprivation, heightened responsibility, and constant decision-making shrink the window in which we can be patient, reflective, and emotionally generous, known as the window of tolerance. Partners often respond to this stress differently, and need different things to feel like themselves again. One may reach for reassurance, closeness, or verbal processing. Another may shut down, focus on tasks, or become more quiet and internal.

From an EFT lens, drawing closer or away (or something else) in times of stress are not personality flaws—they are attachment responses. They are attempts to cope with threat and overwhelm and are something you can manage with practice.

Tool to Practice: Negotiated Time-Outs

If you notice that you or your partner is getting flooded, call a time-out for yourself. Step back, regulate your nervous system for a few minutes, and only return when you can re-engage with care rather than reactivity or criticism.

2. Gender Roles Often Sneak In—Even When You Don’t Want Them To

Many couples enter parenthood with strong intentions to share responsibilities equitably (it may have run equitably for years) and yet, after a baby arrives, traditional roles often emerge automatically. This isn’t exclusive to heterosexual couples, either. One partner becomes the default caregiver, scheduler, and anticipator of needs. Another becomes the helper, provider, or backup. This happens because culture, systems, and exhaustion squeeze family systems into these positions. There are certain tasks that cannot be made equitable, like breastfeeding in the early weeks and months, and that’s where communication and gentleness comes in. By having the conversations, you can find ways to balance the disparity.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about noticing patterns early, before they harden into resentment or disconnection. If this conversation is hard to have, therapy can help couples make roles intentional rather than assumed. You might be surprised to find that partner b actually wants to be the scheduler and planner!

Tool to Practice: Fair Play Conversations

Name tasks, responsibilities, and invisible labor explicitly. Equity isn’t about doing the same things—it’s about both partners feeling the system is fair and sustainable.

3. One Partner Often Carries More—And the Other Often Feels They Can’t Do It Right

Many people who give birth or who take on primary caregiving, usually women/mothers, experience an overwhelming mental and emotional load. There can be pressure to be “naturally” good at parenting (it’s actually learned), to be emotionally available to everyone (sacrificing their own needs), and still relationally connected.

Meanwhile many partners, usually partners/men/dads, are sensitive too. Many haven’t done this level of caring for a person, especially a baby, and there’s a lot of pressure to learn a lot quickly. Partners are also afraid of failing (as a parent, partner, and at work), fear of being criticized, fear of not knowing how to show up emotionally in the “right” way. This fear can lead to withdrawal, defensiveness, or over-functioning in practical tasks.

EFT creates a space where both experiences are valid—and where they can be spoken about without blame.

Tool to Practice: Nonviolent Communication

Speak from feelings and needs rather than criticism. “I feel alone and overwhelmed and need reassurance” lands very differently than “You never help.”

4. Emotional Safety Matters

When emotional safety is high, couples can tolerate imbalance and stress. When safety drops, arguments about dishes, diapers, become a battleground for disconnection. It’s never about the dishes.

Emotional safety is knowing that you matter and are genuinely cared for. That your partner has your back, and respects you. They respond to your calls for connection most of the time. Underneath most conflict is a tender question: “Do I still matter to you?”

In my work, giving couples time to slow down to notice their unmet need gives them an opportunity to be met by their partner, and themselves. We then find common ground, creating roles and agreements that align with their values, identities, and capacities.

Tool to Practice: A.R.E.

Check out this casual and unscientific quiz (think Buzz Feed back, not diagnostic test) as a conversation starter and go through it for yourself. If your partner is willing, have them fill it out on their own, too. Talk about your results. If you’re solo for this exercise, not to worry; there’s still so much you can do to positively benefit your relationship even without your partner’s initial buy in.

5. Stress Can Intensify Old Patterns

Stress doesn’t create new relationship dynamics—it amplifies existing ones. Under pressure, couples often fall into familiar cycles. The most common one is one partner pursues connection to feel safe (anxious attachment), the other pulls away to feel safe (avoidant). There are other attachment styles, too. Again, these aren’t things we need to fix, but differences we need to manage and understand. These patterns show up across any relationship structure or constellation, including queer, trans, nonbinary, and even polyamorous relationships. 

Our bodies don’t distinguish well between perceived threat and actual threat. When we’re exhausted, we’re more likely to misread our partner’s tone, intentions, or needs

The goal isn’t to eliminate differences. It’s to stay connected through difference.

Tool to Practice: Repair

If apologizing, or repairing, isn’t a usual thing for you, check this out. Practice these steps with your partner in low stakes moments and soon it will 

6. Build Your Community Now

Part of emotional wellness is having some diversity when it comes to social connections. It’s not so far to expect your partner (or you) to do this with just the two of you. We live in a culture that celebrates paying for convenience and doing things on your own, but it’s just not the reality. Many couples struggle when they have only ever used each other as supports and then are overwhelmed and lost in times of intensity. 

Tip for you:

Strengthen Social Connections Whether it’s a support group for new parents (I facilitate a free weekly one in Fairfax, CA), a book club, or volunteering for a cause that’s important to you, strengthen your bonds with others. 

7. Biological Changes Happen to All of Us

Many people—especially men—are taught not to need support. Many women are taught to carry on no matter the cost. Both messages isolate couples when they most need connection. The reality is that one in 10 dads experience postpartum mood disorders

Reaching for help is not an admission of failure—it’s an act of protection for your relationship and your family.

This post is written especially for partners who are noticing that their partner is struggling and don’t know how to help.

Tool to Practice: Know the signs of you or your partner needing extra care

If you notice you or your partner is more irritable, hopeless, anxious, or just out of sorts, check out the link above to see if more help is needed. Early interventions, like therapy or even medication, can increase everyone’s quality of life and be literal lifesavers

8. Your Relationship Is the Emotional Anchor of Your Family

When partners feel emotionally connected, parenting feels less overwhelming, conflict resolves faster, and children benefit from a more secure emotional environment. Protecting your relationship isn’t indulgent. It’s practical and a way of bolstering your family. So keep reaching for each other, even in the hard times. You don’t need to be perfect parents.You need a relationship where you feel seen, supported, and valued.

Call to Action:

If you’re preparing for a baby—or navigating any major life transition—and want support that respects your identities, values, and relationship structure, I invite you to schedule a consultation. 

You’ve got this. 

Ashley Travis, AMFT is a dedicated therapist passionate about perinatal mental health. She is currently accepting new clients. You can read more about her here and reach her directly at Ashley@biglifechangetherapy.com

How to Protect Your Relationship During Parenthood (or Any Major Life Transition)

Becoming parents transforms both your daily life and internal connection to yourself and your partner. While some couples grow closer, many experience distance—not as a sign of failure, but as a natural response to strain. The first year with a child challenges partnerships through sleep deprivation, shifting roles, and traditional gender dynamics that often emerge unexpectedly. Emotional safety becomes crucial; underneath conflicts about dishes or diapers lies the tender question: "Do I still matter to you?"

Key strategies include: recognizing this is genuinely hard, not personal failure; naming invisible labor explicitly; speaking from feelings rather than criticism; taking time-outs when flooded; and building community support now. Both partners may struggle—one feeling overwhelmed by mental load, another fearing they can't do anything right. Understanding these as attachment responses, not character flaws, helps couples stay connected through differences. Your relationship is your family's emotional anchor—protecting it is practical, not indulgent.