How to Navigate Support After Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss

Going through a miscarriage or pregnancy termination can bring on so many wildly different feelings that it can make your head spin - sadness, relief, grief, guilt, lightness, shame or anger may all be present. Our emotional experiences around pregnancy loss exist on a wide spectrum and can even shift over time or contradict each other. You might initially feel profound sadness as well as a sense of relief. That relief might then bring on feelings of guilt. And that guilt might then lead to shame. Are you feeling isolated, confused, or exhausted by all of this? What you’re going through is a common, normal, and healthy part of emotional processing - and it’s also so incredibly hard.

Adding insult to injury, while you’re in the midst of grieving a recent loss, you might come into contact with a well-meaning friend, family member, partner or colleague…who manages to say just the wrong thing, make incorrect assumptions about what you’re feeling, or say nothing at all. Unfortunately, miscarriage and pregnancy loss is still a very taboo, stigmatized topic in American culture that many people just don’t know how to talk about or feel uncomfortable bringing up for fear of saying the wrong thing. It’s also a subject that tends to be emotionally and personally charged for many people. Our own feelings, viewpoints and personal history can, consciously or unconsciously, dictate how we respond to a friend or family member navigating a miscarriage. 

So how can you receive the care and support that you need during the course of a difficult pregnancy loss? One of the best things you can do for yourself is to take some time to reflect on what it is that you need (if you’re not sure, that’s ok too!) from those in your circles, and gently advocate for yourself - or enlist a partner or close friend as an ally. This is a powerful form of self care. 

How partners can offer support

Partners often want to help but may not know how. They are likely also going through their own emotional experience and may be feeling similarly or very differently from you. This is why support is most helpful when it allows room for difference. Helpful approaches could include:

• Accepting that grief may look different for each partner

• Listening without trying to fix, problem solve or reframe

• Acknowledging the loss openly, even when words feel inadequate

• Checking in over time, not just in the immediate aftermath

• Being attentive to physical recovery as well as emotional needs

Some people prefer to keep pregnancy losses private, while for others, it can be helpful to share the news with their community so they can receive support. It’s not uncommon for partners to want different things. Having an open and honest conversation around each partner’s needs and what support looks like to each person can help decrease the sense of isolation and increase support. 

A client recently shared that she was going through a pregnancy termination for medical reasons and that while she really wanted to share this news with her inner circle, her partner felt strongly that it should be kept private. After a heartfelt conversation, it became clear that the partner’s concern in sharing the news was that he would have to repeatedly explain what happened, which was painful for him - but he was comfortable with his partner sharing the news with a few trusted friends/family members. His partner let those trusted contacts know that her partner was not yet ready to talk about what happened. So they were able to reach a compromise where both of their wishes were respected, and they were both able to receive the care they needed to move towards healing - which looked different for each of them.

How friends and family can show care

Support from others in our community can be deeply meaningful—or unintentionally painful. Here are some simple ways others can offer their support: 

• Avoiding platitudes or silver linings

• Letting the impacted person set the pace and depth of conversation

• Offering practical support (meals, childcare, errands)

• Respecting privacy and boundaries that are communicated

• Remembering important dates or moments when grief may resurface

Sometimes the most supportive thing is simply staying present. 

Miscarriage and pregnancy termination can rock us to our core. It can impact our identity, our relationships, our sense of safety and our trust in our body and in the world. There is no right way to feel. There is no timeline for healing. It’s a time to turn inward and offer yourself compassion, softness, and grace. And to be honest with yourself about the kind of support that will be most helpful for you. 

You don't have to carry this experience alone. If you or a loved one are navigating a pregnancy loss that feels overwhelming, working with a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health can provide a non-judgmental space where all parts of your experience are welcome. You can reach me directly at Rachael@biglifechangetherapy.com or text me with your availability at (415) 343-5262 to set up a free 20 minute consultation. 

Rachael Silard, AMFT, APCC is a dedicated therapist passionate about perinatal mental health. She is currently accepting new clients. You can read more about her here and reach her directly at Rachael@biglifechangetherapy.com.